The Dom(me) Screener

Overview: 

There are people that exist in every community that have the capacity to take on identities and labels in order to manipulate and abuse more vulnerable members in the community. It is important to note before going into this that if you have ever been abused or entered into an unsafe relationship the sole fault belongs to the abuser. Anyone can be in an abusive relationship regardless of race, gender, sexuality, gender identity, disability, etc. There are even times that the people we see as the strongest in our lives are in abusive relationships because abusers love to prey on someone who thinks “that could never happen to me, I’m too smart/independent/stable.”

Keeping in mind that abuse can happen to anyone should not stop you from finding the connection that is safe for you. You deserve to have play partners, romantic partners, and even just friends that respect your boundaries and fully understand consent. In putting this together I’ve found some great lists of red flags to look out for in dom(mes) that have been compiled from many sources. Reddit is a great source to find even more information, but it can be spread out so I’m going to compile some of the best ones I’ve seen here before I even get into the screening questions. 

The first set of red flags come from a post in r/SubSanctuary linked Here. Take the time to read the full post, but here are my favorite highlights copy/pasted (the Original poster uses all he/him pronouns but this goes for anyone so I’ve changed them to gender neutral):

• Starting with a super sexual message or in person interaction upon first meeting. If they immediately tell me what they want to do to me without a simple hello, an introduction about themself or a general question.

• Rushing to play before I’m ready. I make it clear that I don't want a quick hookup and that I'm seeking something long term so I'm willing to wait until there's enough trust. If they push the issue at all or are disrespectful about that, it's a no-go for me.

• Making demands for nudes/sexual video calls/phone sex and using the Dom-card as a valid reason for me to comply. Nope. Not till we’re on the same page, and have a connection.

• When they don’t ask ANYTHING about my personal life outside of kink or want to get to know me. If they're serious about finding a submissive, they should want to know about who I am.

• Telling me how things will be instead of asking what I'm looking for and having a clear conversation about expectations.

• Any attempt to dominate me before I agreed to a dynamic.

• Prematurely using honorifics. If we just begin talking, I don't want to be called pet names and certainly won't be calling them Daddy or Sir. This will usually be coupled with love bombing behavior as well.

• Not asking about my limits or desires. Or if we get to the point where we're discussing play and they haven’t brought up safe words (I like to wait to see if they do), or seem put off if the topic comes up.

• If they say they had no limits at all. In my opinion, it's a cause for concern if they are "down for whatever". I want someone who has thought it through and at least has some boundaries for themselves. I tend to believe that this type of Dom will expect me to have no limits either.

Here is another Reddit post from the same subreddit that has another list of bullet points that I’m going to include (there may be some overlap, but it’s more succinct in some ways):

• Immediately calling you slave 

• Immediately calling you a pet name 

• Demanding that you start obeying them before you agree to be their sub

• Demanding that you behave a certain way in order to even communicate with them

• Pushing you to agree to be their sub quickly or before you are ready 

• Asking for sexual pictures right away 

• Asking for pictures at all (beyond maybe a single headshot to prove that you are who you say you are) 

• Sending you sexual pictures without your consent 

• Sexual talk right away 

• Not interested in getting to know you as a person 

• Offering you money or gifts right away 

• Continuing to ask for something, or convince you, or demand somethings to which you have already said no

• Unwillingness to negotiate how the relationship will be structured 

• Easily angered 

• Unwilling to use safe words or says they aren't needed 

• Refusal to provide aftercare 

• Wanting to play at a first meet up 

So now that we’ve established a pretty hefty list of red flags, please remember, if you miss a red flag, if you feel pressured to say yes, or you end up in an abusive relationship after reading this: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. We can’t always see all the red flags and that’s why a lot of these bullet points purposefully say to be wary of someone who just wants to jump into a very delicate dynamic. Trust can only grow over time and with purposeful actions, not just words. 

If the person you are screening is avoiding being screened, or honestly, even hesitant about pre-establishing boundaries they are more than likely not safe. While screening people and waiting can feel like a long process, it’s so important to be patient and wait for someone who is safe to be potentially holding your emotional, physical, and sexual well-being in their hands.

Screening Questions by Category

Questions sourced from Reddit - links above, and this article.

What does this relationship look like together and with potential other partners?

1. Ideally, how involved in my life are you wanting to be?

2. Are you comfortable with infrequent contact? What do you consider infrequent?

3. Do you have any expectations regarding how much time we will spend together?

4. Do you have any expectations of how a relationship with me may progress? (i.e. dating, cohabitation, potentially marriage, having children together, etc.)

5. Would you have any expectations for how I spend my time when I am NOT with you?

6. Would you have any expectations for how I spend my time when I am with you?

7. Do you expect me to meet and/or spend time with your other partner(s)? (If they have any)

8. What influence will your partner(s) have on our relationship?

9. What boundaries are in place with other partners which may impact our relationship?

10. Do you have veto power with any partner?

11. Do you have scheduled time with your other partner(s) or do those relationships allow for spontaneity?

12. How would you anticipate feeling if I went on a week-long vacation? Month-long?

13. How much would you like to know about my other relationship(s)/partner(s)?

14. How much/What kind of interaction would you like with my other partner(s)?

15. Do any of your partners have an expectation regarding how much they will be told about our relationship/me?

16. What does privacy look like in your relationships?

Dom History

1. How long have you been in the lifestyle?
   

2. Have you always been a Dom?
   

3. What do you see as the difference between a Dominant, a Daddy Dom and a caregiver?
   

4. How long did it take you to become a Dom/Daddy?
   

5. Did you train or learn to become a Dom/Daddy?
   

6. Tell me about how you discovered you were a Dom/Daddy?
   

7. What moment in your experience as a Dom/Daddy stands out most?
   

8. Does being a Dom/Daddy pour into your everyday life?
   

9. Can you turn it off or on when you want to?
   

10. What is a day with you as a Dom/Daddy like?
    

11. What is a day with you not being in a Dom/Daddy role like?
    

12. Are there any other aspects of being a Dominant you embrace? Such as primal tendencies, pleasure Dom, etc?
    

13. How do you express those other aspects with a little?
    

14. Have you had a little before?
    

15. How many littles have you had?
    

16. How long did each relationship last?
    

17. Why did each relationship end?
    

18. Would any of them come back if you were available?
    

What is this relationship going to look like sexually?

1. How do you define consent, boundaries, and limits? Are they different or the same to you? Do you practice safe, sane and consensual as a safety philosophy, RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or PRICK (Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink)? For more info, check out this link!
   

2. How do you practice consent and ensure that boundaries are respected?
   

3. How do you ensure that your subs are expressing enthusiastic consent every time?

4. How would you respond if consent is withdrawn or changed? And do you feel comfortable withdrawing or changing your own consent?
   

5. Would you respect my hard limits?
   

6. What are your hard limits?
   

7. What safewords do you use? What would you do if I am unable to speak as a code to stop the scene/play?
   

8. How sexual do you think a little should be?

   
   

9. How important is sex and orgasms to you?
   

10. Do you need them?
    

11. Do you provide sex and orgasms to your little? And if not, why?
    

12. Are you willing to meet with me several times before we play together if I so choose?
    

13. Would you be willing to provide identification before we met?
    

14. Are you willing to accept that I am not your little until I make the decision to be such a person to you?
    

15. Are you willing to accept that I will not be submissive to you until I feel comfortable doing so?
    

16. How do you nurture a submissive to build trust and the desire to submit to you?
    

17. Do you lay down rules for them to follow?

Have more ideas to add? Email sgallen@keepsubssafe.com